Are you restless like me?

My room is messy.

I think my scalp might be sunburned. Our seats were awesome. Field level, 15 rows from the dugout. We came in at the 4th inning, right as one of the A's hit a grand slam. Nice. They ended up winning. I guess they may have redeemed themselves, but the coliseum sucks. SBC Park is so much nicer.

If you had told me back in 8th grade that I'd end up spending an entire summer without seeing Susan, Christina, Crystal, or Jenny, I would not have believed you. I would have laughed at you and told you that was ridiculous. I would have pointed out thet they're my neighbors and best friends and we do everything together. But so far Christina came over once to use my laptop to pay a bill, and Susan dropped off a bag of coffee beans from Costco. I think that's it.
Ah, screw it.
I'm not going to start with this "everything has changed" thing again. It happens, Jenna, get over it.

My dad got two free tickets to the A's game tomorrow (today?). I'm torn as to whether I should go or not. They're playing the Tigers, I've seen them play the Tigers, they lost. That was my first baseball game, and I liked the A's then, but they disappointed me. I lost faith. I went to another game a little later, and they lost again. But seeing as it is baseball, that means they get three strikes. So I guess I'll give them their last chance.

I don't remember my dreams very often, but last night I dreamt my dog was on the couch and I had to make him get down. That's all. I have such an active imagination...

I like hardware stores.

Today my mom suddenly asked me if I wanted to paint my room, and we weren't even watching HGTV. Of course I said yes. So off to Home Depot we went. I got Tahoe Blue and something Winds, a light blue and a light blue-green. They go well with my hair. I don't know when we're going to start, but hopefully we'll get it all done before school.

I'm starting to get excited about going back to school. Yeah, I know, I'm a dork. But I prefer a more structured day than waking up at 12:30 and watching the Food Network all day.

Carolyn's leaving September 5th. Das ist nicht gut. I'm going to send that kid a million letters.

How much is postage to Germany?

Still sleepy.

We went to some shops in Monterey after the aquarium.
First, at the Sea Otter Shirts store I got a "Hairy Otter" shirt. So.Cool.
Then, I got a $36.99 IZOD button down for $10 at their outlet. Green and blue vertical stripes, <3. I would have gotten a polo, but they all had golfing ladies embroidered on them, no alligators.

Then, the best part. I now own yet another pair of the coolest shoes in the world.
Green and blue hi-top velour Converse. Yes, velour, they're fuzzy! Lined in satin, too.
And converse.com doesn't even have the hi-top ones, so here's the low-tops.





We took pictures of jelly fish. (:

I'm going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium tomorrow.
Yay!
I've never been there.

Wow, a commercial for the aquarium just came on. It's a sign.

I listened to Alkaline Trio today, for the first time since April. I had listened to them nearly everyday for probably two months, then I just stopped. Because I just didn't want to listen to them anymore. I had attached way too many things to their songs, things I didn't want to think about. Even though most of those things are good thing, I knew I'd cry. But I was in a very weird mood tonight, so I listened to them and I cried. I felt better afterwards, I needed to cry, and that gave me a reason to. Gave me something to blame for feeling crappy and sad.

I have 63 Alkaline Trio songs. I got all of those songs from Danny, except for Radio. Oddly enough, Radio happens to be the most fitting song for how I've been feeling about him since the end of April.

I've got a big fat fucking bone to pick,
With you, my darling.
In case you haven't heard, I'm sick,
And tired of trying.
I wish you,
Would take my radio to bathe with you,
Plugged in and ready to fall.

It's not that I actually want him to die or anything, I just don't want to see him or hear about him or think about him because it still fucking hurts. I can't stand thinking about him because it feels like a mistake now. I hate making mistakes. I hate regretting things. I wish I could just see it as a good time, and of course it couldn't have lasted too much longer, and just remember the fun parts, and realize that it could have ended up worse. But I can't. I see it as something I screwed up, a friend gone. And a million things remind me of him everyday, make me think about it. It's especially bad on these nights that I can't sleep, because my mind just races and it seems like every other thought is something about him. I think one reason why it's been bothering me more lately is because I've been feeling lonely and kind of cut off from people because we're all changing. And he was the closest thing I've had to a best friend since Susan, and that was almost three years ago now. I fucking hate changes. If things are going to change I want to happen quickly and totally. I don't want to be torn away from the way things used to be and the people I used to be close to. But it has to be slow and heart-wrenching, of course. Because I guess my life was too easy without some loneliness and depression thrown in.
This summer aches.

And I really hope I get better at getting over people, looking at my past it seems I'm not.
I get really uncomfortable around people I used to be close to and but aren't anymore. I don't want to have anything to do with Josh, for some reason. He's not a bad guy or anything, just he feels like a mistake, I don't like being reminded of mistakes, real or imagined. Plus I feel horrible because I didn't like him as much as he liked me, and I feel like I should have. Same with Salim, I was caught up in having a guy like me and for a little while I thought I liked him back. So whenever I see him I hate myself for messing with his head, even when I didn't think I was at the time.
It seems I liked the idea of a boyfriend more than the reality of it.

I guess it was turned around with Danny, I think I liked him more than he liked me. And that's a horrible feeling. And then the fact that we were friends first, and we had the same group of friends and everything. I couldn't get away from it.

Of course I had no doubts at the time, at least not at first. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. And then he started not coming over. And he didn't talk to me at lunch as much, and he didn't walk down the hill with me. He started hanging out with Isabel after school, and at lunch. I started to worry, a lot. But when I asked him if we were okay he said we were. In fact, I think he said we were better than okay. That was the last time we hung out together. But I had been reassured, until he didn't talk to me the next weekend. Then that Friday, I forgot what but he had promised to tell me something after school. Of course, he wouldn't tell me. Then before we walked down the hill he said he had to wait. He said he had promised Isabel he'd walk home with her. I was joking around and said, "You keep your promises to her but not to me? It's over, Danny." Little did I know that it was, I had my suspicions, but was still optimistic. I was sick that weekend, and stayed home on Monday. When he called Monday night and asked me to come out and talk I was hoping he'd ask me how I was and such. But I guess he hadn't even noticed I wasn't there. When he started in with that "I forgot what I came here to tell you" crap I knew what he was going to say. But I wanted him to say it himself. I didn't want to make it easy. It took him half an hour. I ended up letting him get as far as "You know how we've been together..." before I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He went on to mumble about how hard that was and never really gave a real reason for it. He said we'd still be friends, we couldn't tear apart The Scene. So much effort he put into keeping that intact... Now I'm getting bitter, great.

I was actually kind of relieved he ended up not coming to shop much after that. Even when we were together all he did was make fun of me in that class, that and talk to Alex about things that sounded like they shouldn't be talking about them with me sitting right there. Not so comfortable.

The logical part of me has decided the best way is to hate him, the naive part wants to pretend it never ended, and the fucking loser part is jealous of everyone he talks to.

When I think about how casual he was about the whole think it makes me doubt the sincerity of things he'd say to me. The things that made it so I couldn't stop smiling. And that adds a whole new, even more imagined, level of regret to it, thinking I fell for lies.

He makes me irrational, I hate that feeling. He gets in my head and doesn't go away. And he'd call me the mind thief, hah.

But then I regain my composure and try to look at it objectively. We were a very odd match. And he wasn't the best boyfriend, I mean he completely ignored it at school. And he had some annoying habits, like calling everyone a bitch, even in front of my mom. We didn't end up talking so much as arguing, most of the time completely sarcastically about things that didn't exist. We clashed, a lot.
And now I'm going to try to leave it at that, before the emotional reality sets in.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep now.

My internal clock is all screwed up. I hate summer.


Damn, my head hurts like hell. But it's too late for coffee.


I can't stand not being able to sleep.

And it's hot.

I want this.
And a cup of coffee to go with it.

My sister is listening to that rap song, "Just a Lil Bit" or whatever it's called.

Ew.

Do you guys think you could handle me going off to college in Boston?
As much as I love the west coast and California and the bay Area, there isn't a college here that focuses on communications like Emerson does. It definitely is a pretty school with old buildings a huge park in the center. I read about the core curriculum requirements and this one doesn't seem nearly as boring as some of the other ones I've heard about. They offer really neat classes and a lot of waivers that I qualify for. At this rate I wouldn't have to take a foreign language there (if you take three years of one in high school), I would probably only have to take one of two introduction to written communication courses because of AP English, and no math course if I take math my senior year or score high enough on the SAT. That's already credit for three classes. I'd have to take a science class, but they offer Physics for the Media, a class about sound and visual technology. How awesome does that sound?

I'm on a college kick right now mainly because I watched How I Got Into College yesterday. It's a cheesy 80's movie. I loved it.

(While trying to find a picture of the college for you guys, I came across far too many pictures of a goofy looking little kid apparently named Emerson. 209 of them, in fact. Out of 700 results, 209 of them were of THE SAME KID. Overkill, anyone?)

A Pedro shirt I'd wear.

I love trees. And I think I have that font.

Some people are really good at fucking with people's heads.

I got my permit!

So Friday night was fun. Carolyn and I wandered around the Village until the Potter Party started (I used my Starbucks card!). When we were waiting to go in we saw the best dressed 11 year olds in Castro Valley (as Harry and Hermione). And, surprisingly enough, we were not the oldest kids there. We got matching lightning bolt scars painted on our foreheads. Carolyn found the golden snitch. We debated Snape's loyalty to Dumbledore with a 40-something-year-old lady wearing a green cloak she had made herself. We watched little kids answer trivia questions (we didn't know the answers). Then we counted down until 12:01 and I got my book. The Village is eerily empty that late at night. We decided to go to her house and read together, as her book would arrive the next morning in the mail. We switched off reading aloud until she started snoring. We're the coolest people ever.

The next day I came home and read. Until 1:30 am, when I finished the book. With breaks for food and such. I finished the whole thing in about 24 hours. That's a new record for me, the last one took 5 days with only 200 more pages. Then I was sad, because Harry is gone for another two years or so. I guess I'll just have to wait until the fourth movie comes out.

I want it to be cold so I can wear my blazer and a scarf, and maybe a hat. I'm tired of heat, I want to wear layers. I have cool jackets.

I'm jealous because Lani can sit on her roof.

I want to go mini-golfing.

I was going to practice driving again, but the Cal State parking lot was full for some reason, and my old elementary school's lot was locked. We couldn't think of anywhere else.

I'm going to live along the coast, near Pacifica or Half Moon Bay. I'm going to have a green house, but the siding will be wood and weathered, like beach houses should be. And It will have white trim. And I'll have roses and maybe daisies in the front yard, and a fence. The fence will be white and weathered like the trim and the gate will have an arched trellis over it covered in flowers. Pink flowers. My house will be all one story so I can have vaulted ceilings and exposed beams. The backyard will have a deck and a big grassy area. I'll have barbecues and other parties out on the deck. I'll have fancy dinner parties in the dining room. I will have my own craft studio, maybe I'll paint it pale, pale yellow. I'll have speakers set up throughout the house so I can hear my music in almost every room. I'll have a cat, maybe two. They will be the kind of cat that goes in and out as it pleases, so I won't need a litterbox. I'll have wood floors, except for my studio, that will have cement so I can paint it whenever I want. Oh, and I'll have a tree in the front yard, and one in the back. One of the trees will have a swing. The front porch will have a swinging bench, because every house needs a swinging bench to sit on and eat otter pops.

So, whatever college I end up at and whatever I major in and whatever my "career" is, I'll be happy as long as I can have all that, or most of it. Plus a loving husband and a kid or two.

I want to go to a Harry Potter party on Friday night. Does anyone know if the bookstore on B Street is having one this year? Maybe I'll walk downtown tomorrow and find out.

She's home now, not exactly happy about it.

I'm angry because it got hot. I was perfectly happy with it barely reaching 80. Now it might get to 100 this week.

And my plans to get my permit were foiled again. The stupid DMV was closed today because it just so happens that they'll be open Saturday, and they can't possible be open 6 days in a week, so they cut Monday.

And now Lappy is running out of battery, and my cord is in the bedroom, and the bedroom is too hot. So I bid you farewell.

The best music videos ever.

Ok Go - A Million Ways (In The Backyard Dancing)
I don't think that's the official video, but it's really them.

Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
So silly.

Of Montreal - Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games
Because Lani is super cool and so is this video.

You all are very welcome.

What Happened to My Little Sister?

Bitter apologies.
Sneering, condescending remarks.
Glares and stares and smeared make up.
Lies.
Antagonizing and patronizing.
Text messages and secret phone calls on the porch.
Fuck you.
Go to hell.
Fucking bitch.
He's an ass.
You're a guest in my fucking house.
What the hell are you looking at?
Then I guess my ass is going to be fucking sorry.
She deserved it, no she deserved to have it hit her.
Well now I have my own friends, and it's nice.
It's nice.
Nice.
I'll be home at 9.
I'm not coming home tonight.
Worried and angry and unsure of what went wrong.
Can't you see what you're doing to her?
Can't think of anyone but yourself.
Friends are more important than family.
Bitter apologies? I'd rather you didn't.
What happened to my little sister?


(Sorry, I was reading about poetry earlier.)
She's not home right now.
I hate her, but I love her.
I want her to learn her lesson, but I want her home safe.
I want to kill her (figuratively), but I miss her.
She really doesn't know what she's doing to all of us. And if somehow she does, but she's doing it anyway, then I don't know whether I want her to come back.

I don't know if she still reads this thing, but eventually she might read this and she'll probably hate me for it, at least for a little while. But hey, she has no right. I have every right to hate her. I have every right to hate someone who makes my mother cry and think she's a bad mother and makes her worry whether her youngest daughter is still alive and where the hell she is. But I don't really hate her, she's my sister. I hate what she's doing, and I hate how she's changed, and I hate the things she's gone through, and I hate how naive and impressionable she is, but I don't hate her.

Shit. My brother came back. And I have to clear off the other bed again. A day after I put everything back, all neat and stuff. Yes, I use the bed as storage because it's in the way. And my dad hasn't had the opportunity to go to the dumps yet. Maybe I can make him this weekend. I could take the mattresses out and put them on his car or something.

We just got back from seeing War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise may be completely insane, but he's still a good actor. The movie was good. Aliens are stupid. And I actually wasn't the only other teenager there with their parents (I was with my dad and brother). There was some yucky emo kid who clearly hadn't showered in days there with who I can only assume were his mom and dad. Still not a particularly cool way to spend a Friday night, and that kid definitely wasn't cool, but I wasn't alone at least.

Ew. My scalp got sunburned at Warped Tour, right along the part, and now it's flaking. I hate that. And next year I'm wearing a t-shirt, no matter how hot it is. No more burns for me. I think I got some new freckles, which scares me. Because I don't have a large amount of freckles, just random ones I assumed were from the sun when I was little. And some of them have "irregular borders" and then there's the really weird ones. I have one on the back of my leg and one behind my ear which are clearly not from sun exposure, and they're bigger than normal. We've asked various doctors and my dermatologist about them over the years and they all said they were nothing. But then again, a doctor said my sore throat was nothing and a week later I had full-blown tonsillitis. I think, though, that since they've been there for as long as I can remember I should be fine. But new ones aren't covered under that reassurance.

Today was a good day, those have been few and far between lately. I think too damn much and it makes me sad. But I'm going to change that. (Not the thinking thing, the sadness part.) Starting tomorrow, as it's late, I will be social. I will jump at any opportunity to go out and hang out with people. At least, any possible ones. Maybe, in time, I will create my own opportunities to hang out. That's not something I normally do. I'm a wallflower, to put it simply. I have to be asked, I don't push my way into other people's plans. I can't impose, it's like physically impossible to ask "Can I come too?" Yeah, there's something wrong with me, most likely inherited introverted tendencies and maybe even a slight case of depression, also inherited.

I think I just need one nice thing a day, to do at least one thing that's fun or productive. That can counteract a bad day. I just realized this, I thought about it and up until the movie thing today wasn't so great. But going out, even with my dad and brother, has covered up the other things. Other things being not being able to get my permit today (see below), seeing my sister go out with friends again when I've been out twice, hearing about how great my brother's trip was, being all peely, etc. So here's to one nice thing a day. (My last plan didn't work by the way, recording stuff and all, I just stopped doing it, oops.)

Oh, and I didn't get my permit today because right before we left I looked over the application form and saw that I needed both parents' signatures, and my dad was at work. Shit.

I officially hate The Independent.
They have a bunch of great shows coming up (Stellastarr*!!!) but every single one is 21 and over only. Come on now, even Bottom of the Hill has all ages shows, even when only 5 underage kids show up. Can't they make a few exceptions?

Being 16 sucks. But I did get that certificate today for the driving lessons, so I can go take my permit test. I think we're going early tomorrow morning.

Should I put green as my hair color on my license application?

Cool new toy. You trace out your route and it tells you how far you went. I used the satellite option and found out I walked half a mile everyday from my shop class to where my mom picked me up after school.

Quote from my brother (regarding Gmail's spam filter):

"That way you don't have to look at spam. Unless you're lonely, or need penal enlargement."

I <3 mispronunciations.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm jealous of my brother's social life. He and his old friends from HHS are out camping in Half Moon Bay. He came down here on the 4th and hung around until they left today. My dad, Jordan, and I drove around to try and see fireworks on the 4th. We tried to get out to Jack London Square, but it didn't work. First we were going to take BART and when we got to the station my dad realized none of us knew which one to get off at. So then we tried to drive, the exits were all blocked off. We ended up in Alameda, with a pretty good view from the street. It smells funny there. On the walk back to the car I found three old records, Heart, Mr. Mister, and a smashed Janet Jackson that I left there. Very 80's.

I think I'm going to go write some letters or something like that.

Today there was a little tiny doggy running around outside my house. I went out and got it and had my mom call the number on the tag. She had to leave a message. Manda fell in love with it immediately, Lucky was jealous. The little dog was named Kirbee, but my brother and I decided it looked like a wookie, so we named it Chewy. Then Susan or Christina named it Snoop Dog. It didn't really matter what we called it, turns out it was deaf. And it wouldn't eat dog food because it had no teeth. And its tongue always stuck out the side of its mouth, like it was too long, probably because it had no teeth. But it was still kind of cute. The guy who was taking care of it called and came to pick it up after about four hours. He said his son hadn't closed the gate properly. This is the little doggy, he wouldn't stop moving so it's kinda blurry. I also realized that the camera was set to macro mode, that may have had an effect on the image quality.

Sunburnt, tired, hungry, achy.

I <3 Warped Tour.



I saw:
All-American Rejects----part of the set, the singer was very vulgar
The Starting Line----part of the set, boring crowd
Motion City Soundtrack----interesting, any band with a key board is worth a shot
Offspring----<33, except for the people lighting up right in front of me
The Matches----<3
5606----<3333+
Plain White T's---nothing special, but Aya wanted to see them
Dropkick Murphys----not as good as Flogging Molly
Boys Night Out----very emo, not very good


I'm very pink.