Are you restless like me?

I listened to Alkaline Trio today, for the first time since April. I had listened to them nearly everyday for probably two months, then I just stopped. Because I just didn't want to listen to them anymore. I had attached way too many things to their songs, things I didn't want to think about. Even though most of those things are good thing, I knew I'd cry. But I was in a very weird mood tonight, so I listened to them and I cried. I felt better afterwards, I needed to cry, and that gave me a reason to. Gave me something to blame for feeling crappy and sad.

I have 63 Alkaline Trio songs. I got all of those songs from Danny, except for Radio. Oddly enough, Radio happens to be the most fitting song for how I've been feeling about him since the end of April.

I've got a big fat fucking bone to pick,
With you, my darling.
In case you haven't heard, I'm sick,
And tired of trying.
I wish you,
Would take my radio to bathe with you,
Plugged in and ready to fall.

It's not that I actually want him to die or anything, I just don't want to see him or hear about him or think about him because it still fucking hurts. I can't stand thinking about him because it feels like a mistake now. I hate making mistakes. I hate regretting things. I wish I could just see it as a good time, and of course it couldn't have lasted too much longer, and just remember the fun parts, and realize that it could have ended up worse. But I can't. I see it as something I screwed up, a friend gone. And a million things remind me of him everyday, make me think about it. It's especially bad on these nights that I can't sleep, because my mind just races and it seems like every other thought is something about him. I think one reason why it's been bothering me more lately is because I've been feeling lonely and kind of cut off from people because we're all changing. And he was the closest thing I've had to a best friend since Susan, and that was almost three years ago now. I fucking hate changes. If things are going to change I want to happen quickly and totally. I don't want to be torn away from the way things used to be and the people I used to be close to. But it has to be slow and heart-wrenching, of course. Because I guess my life was too easy without some loneliness and depression thrown in.
This summer aches.

And I really hope I get better at getting over people, looking at my past it seems I'm not.
I get really uncomfortable around people I used to be close to and but aren't anymore. I don't want to have anything to do with Josh, for some reason. He's not a bad guy or anything, just he feels like a mistake, I don't like being reminded of mistakes, real or imagined. Plus I feel horrible because I didn't like him as much as he liked me, and I feel like I should have. Same with Salim, I was caught up in having a guy like me and for a little while I thought I liked him back. So whenever I see him I hate myself for messing with his head, even when I didn't think I was at the time.
It seems I liked the idea of a boyfriend more than the reality of it.

I guess it was turned around with Danny, I think I liked him more than he liked me. And that's a horrible feeling. And then the fact that we were friends first, and we had the same group of friends and everything. I couldn't get away from it.

Of course I had no doubts at the time, at least not at first. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. And then he started not coming over. And he didn't talk to me at lunch as much, and he didn't walk down the hill with me. He started hanging out with Isabel after school, and at lunch. I started to worry, a lot. But when I asked him if we were okay he said we were. In fact, I think he said we were better than okay. That was the last time we hung out together. But I had been reassured, until he didn't talk to me the next weekend. Then that Friday, I forgot what but he had promised to tell me something after school. Of course, he wouldn't tell me. Then before we walked down the hill he said he had to wait. He said he had promised Isabel he'd walk home with her. I was joking around and said, "You keep your promises to her but not to me? It's over, Danny." Little did I know that it was, I had my suspicions, but was still optimistic. I was sick that weekend, and stayed home on Monday. When he called Monday night and asked me to come out and talk I was hoping he'd ask me how I was and such. But I guess he hadn't even noticed I wasn't there. When he started in with that "I forgot what I came here to tell you" crap I knew what he was going to say. But I wanted him to say it himself. I didn't want to make it easy. It took him half an hour. I ended up letting him get as far as "You know how we've been together..." before I asked him if he was breaking up with me. He went on to mumble about how hard that was and never really gave a real reason for it. He said we'd still be friends, we couldn't tear apart The Scene. So much effort he put into keeping that intact... Now I'm getting bitter, great.

I was actually kind of relieved he ended up not coming to shop much after that. Even when we were together all he did was make fun of me in that class, that and talk to Alex about things that sounded like they shouldn't be talking about them with me sitting right there. Not so comfortable.

The logical part of me has decided the best way is to hate him, the naive part wants to pretend it never ended, and the fucking loser part is jealous of everyone he talks to.

When I think about how casual he was about the whole think it makes me doubt the sincerity of things he'd say to me. The things that made it so I couldn't stop smiling. And that adds a whole new, even more imagined, level of regret to it, thinking I fell for lies.

He makes me irrational, I hate that feeling. He gets in my head and doesn't go away. And he'd call me the mind thief, hah.

But then I regain my composure and try to look at it objectively. We were a very odd match. And he wasn't the best boyfriend, I mean he completely ignored it at school. And he had some annoying habits, like calling everyone a bitch, even in front of my mom. We didn't end up talking so much as arguing, most of the time completely sarcastically about things that didn't exist. We clashed, a lot.
And now I'm going to try to leave it at that, before the emotional reality sets in.

Maybe I'll be able to sleep now.