Are you restless like me?

Halloween on a weeknight sucks as a teenager.

There aren't many little kids out either.

When you're only 17, walking past your grandmother while drinking a beer is a bit awkward. It's even more so when she's dressed as a nun.

This whole daylight savings thing rules and sucks at the same time. I woke up at like 8:30 this morning, but I went to bed at 2:00. And it was actually 2 and not pre-DST 2. (That's the bad part.) Tomorrow I'll get to sleep in for what feels like and extra hour, though, so it's even.

My pilot costume rules. But I was told that I looked like a 70's smuggler by my mother and that I looked like I could be one of those theme strippers by my brother's girlfriend. Oh well.

Hey, Lauren, I fixed the comment thing. Stupid Blogger made updates to the required code without telling anyone.

No, the doctors didn't tell you that you were dying. They just collected their money and sent you on your way. But you knew all along, went on pretending nothing was wrong. You said, "I will keep my focus 'til the end." And in the journal you kept by the side of your bed you wrote nightly an aspiration of developing as an author, confessing childhood secrets of dressing up in women's clothes--compulsions you never knew the reasons to.
Will everyone you ever meet or love be just a relationship based on a false presumption? Despite everyone you ever meet or love, in the end, will you be all alone?
As the disease spread slowly through your body, pumped by your heart to the tips of your arms and your legs, your greatest fear was that your mind wouldn't last, your coherency and alertness would be the first things to fade. As your hair thinned, as the weight fell off, as your teeth blackened, as the legions spotted your skin, as you fell to your knees in the center of the stage, as you offer witness to mortality in exchange for the ticket price, as the lights blend in to the continuing noise, as all hope was finally lost; adrenaline carried one last thought to fruition, "Let this be the end, let this be the last song. Let this be the end, let all be forgiven."

That does not seem like song lyrics. It's more like a very sad story.

("Searching for a Former Clarity" by Against Me!)

I have too many options for Halloween costumes.

Should I be a dinosaur, Stalin, a pilot, or a generic superhero?

I hope I don't have any homework tomorrow night so I can get some stuff ready for Downtown Rally. I just spent about 45 minutes crafting the best design ever for a stencil for the purple shirt I bought to wear. I wish we could have stuck with blue, stupid gang affiliation.

Now I have to work on this group project for government. I hate group projects because I am too much of a perfectionist and I can't trust anyone else to do it right. Unless I'm in a group with Jennifer Son, she's the only person I've ever trusted to finish a group project because I know she's smarter than me and more of a perfectionist. She had our stats project done by my standards like 3 days early, and then she improved it before we handed it in. That girl is ridiculously motivated.

Still sick.

Added another coat to my collection, hopefully I'll wear this one. What am I talking about? I WILL. This coat seems like it was made for me. I will wear it as soon as I replace a button.

I have to do my homework now so that I can watch Heroes later. I wish I had seen the first 3 episodes.

I'm sick.

My Shuffle is taking too long to ship.

Oh, nevermind, I'm too tired.

SEVEN WEEKS UNTIL I'M 18!

I decided to write my required 12th grade history research paper on abolishing the electoral college. (My first idea was to detail a campaign for Jon Stewart for president, but I don't think I could make that 8 pages.) I was looking around Wikipedia (oooh, how unreliable of a source) to be sure and I calculated that a vote for president in Texas is worth nearly four times less than on in Wyoming. California has one electoral vote for about every 656,948 people and Texas has one for every 672,352 people, while Wyoming has one for only every 169,764 people. (Texas seems to have lowest percentage of electoral votes and Wyoming the highest from my calculations.) This is yucky.

Why did I have two separate dreams about two different people dying? They were sad.

I should print my own DTR t-shirts. The ones leadership are selling are ugly.

I suck at painting my nails.

Why can't I just be pissed for once? I am usually there, ready to help, no complaints, for everyone in this house, sometimes I just need to be mad. I can't even have a bad mood without everyone making me feel guilty about it. LET ME BE GRUMPY. Don't ask if you can help, don't act all hurt when I snap at you. You know damn well that I handle my bad moods ten times better than anyone else here, and mine are far less frequent. Even if I've been having a bad day at school I'm not usually upset at home. This is rare, but necessary. I can't just say okay, no problem all the damn time. I need to sulk, I need to yell and slam doors, I need to set everything down with way too much force. What I'd really like to do is smash things in the street, like that stupid Furby you won't let me get rid of. WTF? I carry around a lot of stress. Yes, most of it is probably self-imposed, but telling me I should be less hard on myself isn't going to suddenly make me accept my faults and be content. Everyone else gets to be mad without me whimpering about it, can't you extend that same right to me?

How hard is it to leave me alone?!

AND DON'T EVER GO IN MY ROOM WHEN I'M NOT HOME AGAIN.

It's the first day of October and it was actually cold. And cloudy. This is how Fall is supposed to be. I think our seasons are crooked, like a week early or something. Since it was cold, I could wear my thermal. I walked to Trader Joe's and bought stuff to make stew. They have cute little tiny potatoes. I made stew for diner and it was delicious. Everyone should be disappointed that they didn't get to have my stew for dinner. I got bored again after dinner so I walked to Safeway to get eggs and desert and got myself a mocha at Starbucks. I listened to Against Me! and Bloc Party and Bright Eyes and wore a scarf (it wasn't quite cold enough for the scarf, but oh well). I didn't see a single person in a tank top or shorts. Finally. It's supposed to be even colder the rest of the week. Maybe even some rain. I'm excited.

I want Doc Martens and a bike for my birthday.